But Jenn is just a bitch sometimes. And she doesn’t care. She says what she wants and she does what she wants always. She is taking the “Inner Bitch” Calendar a little seriously.
Is it because I want to be like her? I loaded “Bachelor” on my computer during Conan and she looked at me and said “I don’t want to watch Bachelor with you.” I was like… why not?
I think I just feel kinda sad right now. and I realized, Jenn is mean and yet she still has everything. I’m the nicest girl in Orlando and I’m destined to be alone in my apartment all the time.
I want to take my future in my own hands and do what I want, but I acknowledge other people’s feelings. I recognize that they can be hurt, perhaps because I have been so deeply hurt, not just by men, but by life. It is approaching the two-year anniversary of Tara’s murder and every day I feel a little sadder and a little more alone. And I feel stupid feelings those things, or at least saying them out loud, especially because there are people who are in Haiti hurting like Tara hurt, like everyone who knew her hurt after she was gone. There are people feeling that pain fresh right now, in this second. And it is a pain that doesn’t recede. It always hurts, every time you remember it, every time someone or something reminds you of it, and suddenly, you are there in your room in the darkest moment of your life, unable to breathe, unable to think, only able to hurt.
Ugh… wow that sucks. And all I have is this, this little online journal who won’t hurt me or judge me.
Anyway, I guess I’ll just put up with Jenn. This is the way she is, I guess. I think the only problem is that she doesn’t seem to care that this is the way I am, that I am feeling sad and alone. That doesn’t matter, I guess…
1) She won’t eat it.
2) I probably will mess it up
3) She won’t like it.
4) I have to use the ingredients I have here because I don’t have a car.
5) She and I have been not getting alone via passive aggressive methods.
6) Thus, my birthday cake love isn’t so strong.
Me: Oh cool. Andy Karl is Fiyero in Wicked soon.
Jenn: …. *pokes at her eye*
Jenn: I’m not there so I’m not into it. *She leaves to fix her contact*
This is of course follows her comment: “My boyfriend is a slave driver” [because he took her to the gym yesterday].
So, I think I’m gonna go get her bday cake stuff anyway. Maybe she will like it.