Journalistic Endeavors of a College Kid

Apparently my lesson has not yet been learned. After several drinks, I got sick. And poor Jenn had to clean it. And there was a lot.

Jenn told me this morning that I kept saying, “Bryan hates me.” Once even while I was sitting next to him. And Jenn told Bryan to tell me that he didn’t hate me. So he told me that he did hate me. And I was apparently upset, so Bryan told me that he didn’t hate me.
That was the most embarrassing part of the night. So I guess it could have been worse.

I’m watching “Penguins of Madagascar.”
King Jullian: What is all the commotion? I was having a dream where I was the last mammal on Earth.
Mort: Was I in it?
KJ: Yes, but you were roadkill.
M: But I was in it! *sigh*

God!!!

The other night, we were at Applebees and someone mentioned the time and said that we should make a wish.
My wish was that Bryan would want me.
And I thought it was stupid to wish that, because…

But after tonight’s text messages… Jenn is going to smack him, then smack me, then dump both of us. After some drunken accidental hand holding and snuggling last night, we decided that in the name of Corry Matthews, it will not be accidental next time…

Why am I getting myself into this? I have the same feeling now as I had when Justin asked me out. My brain said, “This won’t end well…” but some other part of me said, “Oh well.”
This time, the brain is saying the same thing, but the other part says, “You can’t help it. You’ve loved him since he dumped you. And he DUMPED you… You’re screwed… Just take what he gives you and go with it, because we all know… ya still love him… you always have.”

Whhhateva… if nothing else, this takes my mind off my audition…

No callback so far… I have to force myself to be like my alter-personality (as Adelaide has become) and say “Whhhateva.” I did my best to impress the director and he wrote something down, but I just don’t know. If I get a chance at a callback, I know I’ll get a part because I am awesome at cold readings. I can just see words on a page and act them out without a problem. I mean, I’m young enough, I can hit the notes, and I have the passion and enthusiasm they are looking for.
Looking back, I can nitpick my audition to bits, but I need to send positive energy towards it….
Man the director was cute… oh well. If I don’t hear anything this week, I’ll still write down the dates for the show and I’ll go to it because it is a great show.

So, straight up, last night Jenn, Josh, Corry, Bryan, and I all stayed at my house and had a few drinks…. okay. A lot of drinks. And I remember a few things very clearly. Like, I was wrapped around Bryan’s arm at one point and his hand was on my leg. And later, we were holding hands, I think. I remember feeling warm and fuzzy, but that was probably the alcohol.
So here’s the truth: I love Bryan, but I don’t trust him. I don’t want to be a girlfriend. I have been sufficiently independent for almost two years and I love it. And I don’t want to do to Katie what she did to me. She deserves it, no doubt, but I am a better person than she is. I have more guts and confidence than she will ever have. But still, she has Bryan.
I don’t deserve to be second best. Allow me to quote from The Last Five Years, one of the best musicals ever written.
“I am a good person. I’m an attractive person. I am a talented person… grant me grace…”

And still… (Wicked) “That’s the girl he chose… he loves her so…
I’m not
that
girl.”

The stage is a magical character in my life. He picks me up and makes me feel like I’m something special. He gives me butterflies. He gives me a high. He is an essential element to my existence.
If you’ve never been on stage, then you probably don’t get that.
Most people are afraid of the stage. They would rather walk off a building than perform on a stage. They will never feel the terrifying rush of adrenaline and fear. It’s so fulfilling, yet so draining. I’ve been doing this show without an audience for 2 weeks. But having an audience really sucked my energy. But that’s okay. I am ready for more.

And this is something I just realized, but when you go on stage, you give up a part of yourself. You give up your insecurities and fears. You have to. Good actors have the confidence to put themselves in a box and leave it behind until the end of the show. They put themselves away and feel what it’s like to be somebody else with a story.

And I love it. I will never give that up.

to be me. I totally told Bryan that I missed him via drunk text.
Oh wait. It gets better. I also told him that during my sad scene onstage, I re-feel that night he broke my naive little heart more than a year ago to feel Adelaide’s hurt. So basically, I use the hurt supplied by him to feed my scene. It’s the truth, but that wasn’t something he needed to know.
And right now I could puke and my head is pounding. Damn you AJ, in combination with the inventor of drunkness.